I'm pants shitting drunk right now
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize