omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
