I'm really into asian looking animals
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
