Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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