That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
