Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
