Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
