I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
