im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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