Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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