Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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