I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
