Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
