Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I am one with the molecules
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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