Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
