I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
