how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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