3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
