I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
