I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
