Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
