What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
