She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Mom said you looked used
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
