yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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