It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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