We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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