Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
