I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize