All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
