Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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