i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
