My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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