im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
