is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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