i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
