this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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