the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
