Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
