If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
