I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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