The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
tell me about the eggs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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