oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
