i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
