what day is it and did you see me today?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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