I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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