I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
