Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
