I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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