im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
