I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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