He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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