wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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