mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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