I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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