apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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