Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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