fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
