Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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