Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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