I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
