I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
