You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
