It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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